No Matter How You Slice It, These Two Need to Work On Their Jokes
by Munpin
Summary: Just another day of the Service Club and just another sudden question posed by Isshiki Iroha for its members: why did two people in a relationship insist on calling each other by their last names?


What a peaceful, quiet day. The sun was playing hide-and-seek among wooly clouds, birds were singing their delightful melodies, and even a distant roar of cars harmoniously interlaced with other sounds. Loud, agitated high-pitched screams of Isshiki Iroha…

On a second thought, maybe it wasn't quite as peaceful as I initially suggested. I blamed my brain, which refused to include an exogenous irritant in this fascinating picture. What a clever biological mechanism.

"What?! _Still_?" Isshiki gave us a look of disbelief.

I exchanged looks with Yukinoshita and we nodded simultaneously. I didn't like rhetorical questions. Well, strictly speaking, I loved asking them myself, but in the opposite situation they happened to be bothersome.

Isshiki moaned and sat down—or, rather collapsed on the chair. She knitted her brows, indicating that we had stricken a chord with our answer, and slowly spoke.

"You mean, you've been dating for… —how long? Almost half a year?—and are still calling each other by last names? Are you normal?"

And she's been communicating with us for the last… half a year and never noticed it before?

"Well, I'm more or less sure I count as a normal person," it seemed Yukinoshita wasn't bothered that much by Isshiki's yelling. "Regarding Hikigaya-kun, it's a challenging issue, but we're working on it."

"If my concept of 'To work is to lose' is correct, then working on it wouldn't bring much good," I yawned.

"That's exactly what we're working on."

Isshiki slammed her hands in the table.

"No, you'll not run away with these vague answers this time! Why? Why do you keep 'Hikigaying' and 'Yukinoshitating?'

We are doing _what_?

I winced. Loud sounds were one of the most annoying stimulants, somewhere between in-store consultants and distant relatives' questions, "Oh, have you got yourself a girlfriend yet?" That said, all of these examples dealt with noise in one form or another, so I could safely assume that the main reason of people's foul mood is sounds.

"There, there. Calm down, or you'll scare Yuigahama." I pointed the finger at the girl with a hair bun.

She noticed my gaze and tilted her head, looking at me with a silent question. Then she realized that she had earphones in her ears and took off one of them.

 _Oh, so she was using special equipment. How clever._

"Hm? Hikki, you said something?"

"Nothing at all. Enjoy your music."

"Well… Okay, thanks," she shrugged and brought the right earphone back.

I reached into my bag.

"Senpai… No. If you put on your headphones, I'll throw both them and you out of the window."

This weird smile on her face, scary as hell. Why did it appear on her face every time she threatened me? Was her emotional response mechanism broken?

"Isshiki-san," Yukinoshita narrowed her eyes. "Putting aside that it's none of your concern… What is exactly so unimaginable about that? Many people continue to call each other by their last names even when they start dating."

"Only old geezers and bores, Yukinoshita-senpai, old geezers and bores! Which group do you belong to?"

Was it a rhetorical question or genuine interest? Let's see…

"Maybe old geezers?"

"It was a rhetorical question, senpai…"

The room got quiet. Every now and then I lifted my eyes from the book and glanced at Isshiki secretly, but she didn't utter a word. I suppose she decided to use the strategy of "Angry mother is ignoring her child to make him aware of his bad behavior". Luckily for us, such tactics worked only because a child depended on his parents and required their assistance in order to survive. I wasn't sure what had to happen for my life to depend on Isshiki and I sincerely hoped that I would never know.

Yukinoshita had quite a tranquil look on her face. Either she didn't care about Isshiki's antics at all or had already mastered her skill of keeping a straight face.

Isshiki finally spoke up.

"Well? Cat got your tongue, senpai?

"Huh? Mine? What's wrong?"

"Everything is wrong, everything! What do you have to say in your defense?"

"Nothing. I'm not on trial, "I grumbled. "Also, why do you direct your attacks only at me?"

She smiled sweetly. I couldn't say I was proficient in reading her body language and nonverbal behavior, but my Isshiki-Japanese dictionary had way more entries than English-Japanese one, so I got some information from her face: "You're a small fry, senpai. I don't want to struggle with the bigger prey."

"You're a guy, right? It is you who should take the initiative!"

Even though I knew for sure she hid her real reasoning, even though her words were laughable, even though I knew I was perfectly capable of taking the initiative when it was called for… Why did I feel a slight irrational pang of guilt? Girls are fearsome creatures, all right.

"Please, Isshiki-san," Yukinoshita smiled. "The limit of his initiative is to close the window when he is cold. And even then he would probably hesitate."

"Don't confuse noble laziness with a lack of initiative."

Isshiki dropped her head on the table, muttering something under her breath. Isshiki-Japanese dictionary suggested that she grumbled, "I'm goddamn tired of both of you".

"Sheesh…" she glanced at me, then at Yukinoshita. "Okay, I got it. You kinda helped me a few times, so now I have to make your life easier as well."

"Don't forget to close the door."

"Goodbye."

"Reeeally funny, you know," she responded with a bored voice. "Anyway, you'll become a slightly less weird couple starting today, no need to thank me."

Isshiki solemnly cleared her throat. I didn't even know that someone could clear their throat "solemnly", but apparently she succeeded.

"Let's start with an easy one. Senpai, all you have to do is to call her by the first name. Instead of pronouncing "Yukinoshita", stop in the middle and finish with "Yukino…-senpai".

"Wait, I should call her senpai too?"

"No-no, just a matter of habit, don't mind me. Anyway! Let's begin. Bring it on!"

I glanced at Yukinoshita. She was reading a book, completely unaffected by a noisy environment, and yet something imperceptible made me think she was actually… amused. I had no way to find out what did she think about Isshiki's idea and how she wanted me to respond, but I felt it would be a mistake to dance to Isshiki's tune now. Not that it wouldn't be a mistake at any other time.

I opened my mouth.

"Yukino…"

Isshiki's eyes sparkled.

"…shita."

And died out.

"Senpai, I swear… It was sooo predictable and boring, I just… Jeez, I'm disappointed in you."

"Hikki, I agree, to tell you the truth. It was kinda lame," one of Yuigahama's earphones rested on the table.

"Hey, Yuigahama, you still with us. How is the new album of your favorite band, have you listened to all of it?"

"Not yet," she muttered indistinctly and picked up the earphone.

 _I'm disappointed in you_ … Such harsh words. If a person were to hear them from close people, parents, for example, it would devastate them. On the other hand, these words implied that you had been held in higher regards before the incident, higher than a nonentity at the very least. That's why my cheeks felt warm and I looked at Isshiki with an affection. Even this girl can say something pleasant for a change.

"It was an insult, not praise," Yukinoshita gave her qualitative judgment.

"…How are your mind-reading lessons, going smooth?"

No, seriously, sometimes she frightened me. I had been told once or twice that I can see through people, but her intuition was sometimes otherworldly.

"I don't need any lessons if your thoughts are arranged in a strict pattern."

"Yukinoshita-senpaaai, I don't understand what both of you talking about and I don't even want to ask. Instead… it's your turn now! Are you ready?"

Yukinoshita sighed, put her book away and gently brushed a lock of hair from her face.

"We call each other by last names by mutual agreement and I fail to see why is it bothering you so much. But if you insist…" she shrugged.

"Great! Then I have a little idea…"

Isshiki rummaged through her pockets and fished out a small item. She placed it on the table and it was… a little figurine of Pan-san. Yukinoshita stared at it with a look of utter confusion.

"A new collection, is it?... Where did you… Wait, I mean, it doesn't matter. What does it have to do with us?"

"You see, don't you think it resembles senpai a bit? Look at his ugly eyes! They are almost identical!"

"Yeah, I can see similarities," it was Yuigahama's voice. "Pan-san's eyes are more lively if we are nitpicking…"

"Yuigahama, how many songs are left?

"Umm… Just four more", she plugged in the earphones again.

Yukinoshita was looking at the figurine with a warm look in her eyes. I bet she'd already forgotten all about Isshiki's presence and was having fun in her own world. However, a few seconds passed, and she looked at me curiously once again.

"I feel that there is a vague resemblance, yes."

"See! Now take a good look at it… It's not senpai, it's just a toy. People sometimes give names to their toys, right? Now it's easy for you, right? Piece of cake, right?"

Yukinoshita cupped her chin in her hand while looking at the figurine with a troubled expression.

"…By the way, if you do it, I'll let you keep this thing."

Yukinoshita's eyes sparkled for a brief second. I could swear I saw a speck of light in her deep dark eyes—most certainly a result of bright sun rays reflected off the window.

"Ha… Hach… Hach…" her voice was slow and quiet.

Suddenly she bit her lip and shook her head.

"No. I can't. It's impolite to draw a parallel between them, after all."

"Impolite to whom, I wonder?" I decided to clear up the matter.

Yukinoshita gave me an appraising look, then shifted her gaze to the figurine. She looked at me again and glanced at Pan-san in a thoughtful manner one more time.

She shook her head, turned to me and answered with an innocent smile.

"To you, of course."

I didn't buy it for a second.

Isshiki sighed and grabbed the figurine.

"Okay, okay, I got it. You're still being stubborn. Oh well, that means I have to turn to my last resort. Yui-senpai!" she clapped her hands.

"Huh?" Yuigahama jumped a little and earplugs popped out of her ears.

"This album you're listening to… Are there any love songs, perhaps?"

"Of course. Almost all of them are about love! What's the point of singing if it's not about love?" she blushed a little.

Hey there, with your middle-school-level answer you just buried all the poets and singers who write about friendship, nature, everyday life, conflict, struggles, philosophical questions, politics, war… How are you gonna apologize to all these people?

"Nice! Now put us the most romantic song you can find and make it loud! And you two, just relax and soak up to the atmosphere. Remember that you're a couple, so now these songs apply to you, too! Okay, let's just wait for few minutes until you start calling each other by first names naturally!"

"Okay, you sound really creepy now."

"Be quiet, senpai."

Isshiki quickly moved to the other end of the room. I guess she wanted to get out of our way in her own manner. I exchanged glances with Yukinoshita and we both turned to our lively underclassman with a silent question, "Are you for real?" Isshiki simply put a finger to her lips and waved to Yuigahama, who nodded and pressed something on her phone's screen.

The first notes danced in the air. And next notes. Same goes with… all the notes. That was the emotional response I got from this music. No, actually, I felt something else from this song, and it was embarrassment. Embarrassment for a guy who wrote this one. Like, seriously, you went through all the tough way from a little toddler to a working adult only to present the world this song? You poor fellow.

The song came to an end at last and now we were sitting in total silence. I knew I had to come up with something soon: Isshiki's gimlet gaze left no place for a delay.

That's why I turned to Yukinoshita and looked her in the eyes.

"Yuki…" I stumbled over my words and took a deep breath, "Yukinoshita- _san_ , I… I'm really sorry."

I took a breath and continued.

"We should break up. I guess I never gave it enough thought, but love is… disgusting. That song proved it better than anything else. "

Yukinoshita nodded immediately as if she'd expected these words.

"Yes… It's really discouraging, but I agree. The whole concept of love is shallow, nasty, pretentious, hypocritical and sticky-sweet… in a bad way. I was blind before, but now I understand. We have no other way."

We looked at each other again and nodded with a serious expression. There was nothing more to be said.

"Thanks, Isshiki-san. This song was really… an eye-opener. I've never heard anything more unpleasant. And to think that we were the ones to engage in such a thing… Nothing good comes when you act according to emotions." Yukinoshita slowly lowered her head.

"W-… Wait, are you actually serious?" Isshiki's face went pale. "It's just a low-grade pop song, some people like it, I mean… Wait, you are kidding me, right? The lyrics were not the greatest, but…

I opened my mouth once again.

"I guess that's why we were still calling each other by last names, huh? We knew deep inside that it would never work out."

She answered with a pained expression and a sad smile.

"You're probably right. And, Isshiki-san… Thank you. The bitter truth is… always better."

Isshiki, who was as white as snow, trembled in the far corner of the room.

* * *

It took us quite some time to calm her down and apologize. She was now sitting firmly on a chair and drinking green tea. I didn't know if it was flavored, but judging from the look on her face I could assume it was probably sour. Lemon flavored, maybe? She finished her tea with a gloomy expression and put the cup down with a thud.

"Fine… I get it, I'll leave you alone. And one more thing: stop trying to make jokes, it's just not your thing. I mean, I can't do pole vaulting and I don't do it, right? You got the idea."

Isshiki rose to her feet and took her bag.

"Yui-senpai, do you wanna tag along? Your club is almost over, right? We can go grab some food or something," Isshiki clearly needed an emotional release.

"Well, yeah, why not? Give me a second."

Yuigahama quickly packed her things, took a look in a mirror, fixed her hair and jumped up from her chair.

"Bye, Yukinon, bye, Hikki! And seriously… That was bad!"

"Yeah, yeah," I waved. "See you."

"See you tomorrow."

They both left.

We spent some time quietly reading our books under the rhythmic accompaniment of the wall clock. Finally, Yukinoshita turned a page and spoke.

"I feel a little..."

"Hmm?"

"Awkward."

I looked at her out of the corner of my eye. Did she just want to express her feeling to someone or was it so bad that she needed my sympathy? Sadly, even after everything that happened during my long stay with the Service Club I still had troubles understanding human emotions. This concept was hard to grasp, but at least I was getting better at it, I believe.

"Don't think about it."

Yukinoshita sighed and gave me a somewhat stiff smile. She returned to her book and I picked up mine as well, but couldn't concentrate on it for some reason. It took me a lot of willpower to go through one paragraph. She was having the same troubles, apparently. Yukinoshita eventually put the book aside and looked out of the window.

"Also… I got scared for a moment."

"Huh? Oh… Right."

"Just for a brief moment, out of instinct."

I realized what she was implying and lowered my head. She didn't go further, and it was unneeded. Undoubtedly, I was a fool, but not foolish enough to be unable to read this atmosphere.

"Sorry."

She just shook her head.

I scratched the back of my head, stood up and went around the table.

"I'll make some tea. You want to join me?"

"Yes. Green, please."

After a few minutes, I prepared us two cups and handed one to Yukinoshita. Then I took my own cup and sat down in the chair next to her that was normally Yuigahama's. Lately it became a tradition of sorts, as Yuigahama started leaving about twenty minutes early, most likely to give us some time alone. We didn't have much opportunities for that with our pretty tight schedules because of upcoming exams.

We raised our cups in the same moment and tasted the steaming tea. A wave of painful hotness immediately attacked my tongue, but I endured it and drank some more. It was alluring in its own way. Either that, or I was simply too impatient to wait.

"By the way…" I looked at her.

"Hm?"

"How long are we gonna keep this act up, _Yukino_?"

"Don't know what are you talking about, _Hachiman_ ," she calmly took another sip.

"But… why?"

Yukinoshita put the cup aside and stretched with delight, relaxing her whole body. Just a small thing, but I'm sure she would have been reluctant to show such "bad manners" in front of me or even Yuigahama only a year ago. The nature of human behavior was ever-changing, and I got reminded of it once again.

She smiled and turned her head to me.

"Because it's fun."

I stared at her with amazement for a few seconds, but then gave up and laughed a little.

"No questions here, it's fun as hell."

"Yeah."

Two cups in the Service Club's room were quickly and inevitably becoming empty. When we finish them we'll have to call it a day and go home to prepare for upcoming exams. But I no longer cared whether my cup was half full or half empty. As long as there was at least something in it, even a little, I had no reason to be concerned.

* * *

 **End Note** **:**

 **Here** **you go, thanks for reading. A bit silly, a bit awkward, a bit sweet simple story, as usual. Well, I had fun writing it nevertheless, and I hope I managed to make someone's day a tad bit** **brighter.**

 **Please don't hesitate to point out any mistakes, be them grammatical, spelling or plot-related.**


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